Archive for 16/05/2011

Tranlsated by Manolis

MY LONELINESS
Η ΜΟΝΑΞΙΑ ΜΟΥ…

Sometimes at night my loneliness is beautiful. It arouses my curiosity. I sit like a spectator before a play endlessly repeated. I try to enjoy it, what else can I do?
I go back to bed and there is where I meet my real suffering; a very soft one it doesn’t contain me a very long is so empty. I wish to rest, to relax but my mind plays strange games with me. It takes me once to the past once to the future. It exhausts me with its wants, its must, its why…

MY NOWHERE
ΤΟ ΠΟΥΘΕΝΑ ΜΟΥ..

Oh my heart which words can I write for you that they may put you to sleep? Please make some room that I come and cuddle in your embrace to fall asleep like old times…Hidden paths appear in my eyes and make me smile. Scandalous girl full of agony for the pointless of those paths, I look around me as though afraid that someone
may be following me. I walk and talk about you. Oh my heart, what do I search for? Where is this path leading me?

THERE ARE SOME MOMENTS…
ΕΙΝΑΙ ΚΑΠΟΙΕΣ ΣΤΙΓΜΕΣ…

There are sometimes when you feel that time has frozen, there are other times when you wish that it passes by hastily. Hopeless expectations in the compass of your mind and there are so many others so barren that keep you awake.
I met her at my nowhere; I recognized her as soon as our eyes met by chance and dictated the fate of the mind’s wanderings. The impossible seems as an earthly sight leading to the power of ‘wants’ and ‘musts’ firings that miss their fateful way.
I had no name, they called me something else. I had nothing to show but my mistakes, mistakes and passions at the crosshair of some perhaps moments of mine. The days simply trickled along and as a result the clock’s fingers moved according to their own time defined by chance and my false hours simply agreed to that passing.


MY NOWHERE
ΤΟ ΠΟΥΘΕΝΑ ΜΟΥ..

I had so much to tell you! But at this time I would like to caress you, to look at you to vanish in the feeling of your hands, my hands. How can I place all these in these so small moments of time? How can I paint them with just two colors?
This garden is a refuge I grab God’s blessing and walk away. I take your hand I ask you to follow me to a walk deep in a green decorated labyrinth, fully lit, made by people of vision. Let me surround you with this moment in time. Let yourself in this route that is filled by reflections of the sun over us. We shall find our directions, oh my heart! Shall we be able to find the exit of this path?

THRE ARE SOME MOMENTS…
ΕΙΝΑΙ ΚΑΠΟΙΕΣ ΣΤΙΓΜΕΣ…

I met her in my nowhere and the fire of her eyes turned into the terminus of my wanderings. It pierced my mind like an apparition that went inside and dug up my wants as though they were the simplest thing to do and I adorned what I found in her eyes that faint reflection that was my own. And for a moment I loved myself, in her, as I emerged from her eyes.
I could die for the moment I shared with her my heart pulsed harmoniously hearing her words and I bent in yearning for her touch. I wished time froze when I was with her I wished time wouldn’t pass I begged of the gods to not take her away from me, I wished she wouldn’t go but I remained always thirsty for her and I died instead of regaining life.


MY NOWHERE
ΤΟ ΠΟΥΘΕΝΑ ΜΟΥ..

I talk to you. Do you hear me? A thousand silences a thousand words but a lot more emotions. Yes, you hear me. You hear the words emerging from my heart’s warmth. What can I do? Do I speak for both of us? Do I write for both? Can I breathe for both? One heart, so many pulses, so many lives gathered together here. The lives we once lived together and the ones we never lived.
You still follow me, you stand beside me, you never melted in my fire. I discreetly look at you. You can endure…Can you endure?

THERE ARE SOME MOMENTS…
ΕΙΝΑΙ ΚΑΠΟΙΕΣ ΣΤΙΓΜΕΣ…

I whispered to her about the nights when my sobs become one with the sounds of the angry sky I gestured to her about my despair that ripped my flesh and about my battle that I couldn’t fight anymore. I whispered to her for everything possible but I never imagined that this creature of my fantasy would unravel so many things even to me unrecognizable. And I was charmed by the unexpected and I was angry at her soul that was dedicated only to me, that was all over me, spread, floating in the air. And I was angry at her intense ability that rebuilt and gave her many appearances.


MY NOWHERE…
ΤΟ ΠΟΥΘΕΝΑ ΜΟΥ…

You took me in your embrace and for a moment I closed my eyes. Oh my soul, I’m not cold anymore! For this short moment and with my eyes closed I am guided by you. I go by the forest that has been there since the beginning of time. I smell fragrances unknown to me I enjoy sounds that reach my ears I feel you next to me. Within all these I follow the path of your hands over me, ‘warm sensation full of lust’ you whisper.
—For me?
All the plans you dream off, once. But never dare admit to them for the second time. All the other dreams that you keep hidden inside you, you also see them only once standing before you that they bring sorrow when they never turn into reality. For a single moment you may see them before you, you may touch them faintly as they regain their flesh and blood, as they are you with their soul and with their characteristics they contain you. Entirely. Your soul that once was separated from the universe. Then it was just for a moment that both joined again, for one moment everything has a meaning, everything is colorful.

THERE ARE SOMETIMES
ΕΙΝΑΙ ΚΑΠΟΙΕΣ ΣΤΙΓΜΕΣ…

Eros turned into a ghost taking the form of the futility within me. My heart bled for her who didn’t enchant Fate, who didn’t fool time, who didn’t breathe for us, who never breathed for me.
Then anger was replaced by conditioning and it sunk in the bottomless wells of my mind without light or guidance, without body, without a heart. And I waited like a vulture I yearned for her first mistake, I counted on her mistake, I counted on that mistake and I waited.


MY NOWHERE
ΤΟ ΠΟΥΘΕΝΑ ΜΟΥ..

Every step we take in this garden becomes a long trip. Every word you whisper to me turns into a thousand questions and a thousand answers that I give you. Different pleats of us I unfold.
I retain the feeling of your embrace in this moment. I refuse to open my eyes, I categorically refuse it. I want to turn the darkness of my eyes into images of your soul that accompany me while among the ugliness of people, that the images may keep me in an oneiric magical world and thus enchanted by the far and away creative world that I crave for, that I shall survive, that I shall live, that I shall breathe, that I shall fall in love.

THRE ARE SOMETIMES
ΕΙΝΑΙ ΚΑΠΟΙΕΣ ΣΤΙΓΜΕΣ…

Whatever I had thought of, whatever I tried to retain hidden deep inside me she uncovered with a simple touch. But how? How can a touch of her hand suddenly reveal the emotions I had so well hidden?
Yet, she touches my eyes and I get hypnotized, she cuddles in my breast and sobs rise from my soul loaded with every kind of sin and miracle existing just there. And that kiss of hers that has the taste of lotus, a magical lotus made by her just for me.
I want to stay with her for just one more moment, one moment before the end.


MY NOWHERE
ΤΟ ΠΟΥΘΕΝΑ ΜΟΥ..

I turn today into tomorrow. I want the now to become eternity. There are some moments that you suffocate me with your love, your needs and your dark thoughts. Yes, I feel struggled but I survive before your need to kill me and then to resurrect me.
Sometimes I die, I delay in coming back. I prefer to remain in the void floating as though I don’t want to burden the earth. I want to rise up high, there from where I see everything small, insignificant. Up there one doesn’t need to breathe. There is none to listen to you. Up there you only feel, you don’t see anything. You observe as though you are a floating shadow that came from nowhere. The world appears as though different. The people appear as though they are different.

THERE ARE SOMETIMES…
ΕΙΝΑΙ ΚΑΠΟΙΕΣ ΣΤΙΓΜΕΣ…

Oh my heart you have gone mad and you search for an alibi, and you went mad by your paranoid ego and wished to erase everything you truly had?
I don’t want this moment, you hear me? I want moments of a whole life next to you with your aura caressing me with your eyes painting worlds for us with your laughter gifted to me only.


MY NOWHERE…
ΤΟ ΠΟΥΘΕΝΑ ΜΟΥ…

Oh my little one you never lost me, don’t prod me. I’m here next to you, perhaps inside you. Do not turn my loss into pain. Do not search where you don’t belong. Smile, smile at me, that smile which you have on your face when you feel secure, calm that everything is going well, that I am me near you. I smile back at you. How can I resist at this awesome expression on your face? I bestow, I send my adoration to your wind. I lean over you that I taste that smile that exists only for me!

THERE ARE SOMETIMES…
ΕΙΝΑΙ ΚΑΠΟΙΕΣ ΣΤΙΓΜΕΣ…

I met her in the nowhere and like an outcast I picked the crumbles she left behind as she went by. I fed on them and nourished my aging soul that was lost in my many mistakes
and self centeredness as the war within me was built up like an ancient epic and the Furies kept on ripping the flesh of my heart slowly tyrannically.
Forgive me…I shout but no one hears me. Forgive me I can not stand before the Paradise door and leave at every dawn again and again. Forgive me I can not remain the thief of your moments, the lover of futility, the killer of your soul.


MY NOWHERE…
ΤΟ ΠΟΥΘΕΝΑ ΜΟΥ…

Fateful is this love…Fateful it has become for us both…I can not accept it. No, I won’t accept its borders. I stare deep in your eyes, oh, my God! How it hurts me, indeed how it hurts! Us two, my joy, we don’t just want each other we want to live for each other’s breath, that us two become one is not enough. That we both breathe the same air, that we taste the same food that we see the same images are not enough. To sleep one sleep, to wake up in one breath, to speak with one mouth, to exist in the same sunrise, in the same high noon, the same afternoon, the same sundown and in the same night to reach our contention. One is manifold everything walks to its terminus. The terminus…which one is for us both?

THERE ARE SOMETIMES…
ΕΙΝΑΙ ΚΑΠΟΙΕΣ ΣΤΙΓΜΕΣ…

I am the wrong color in your life’s painting, leave…do not look back…leave before I steal your last breath that you may have none left that you have none for anybody else.
I met her at my nowhere, I even denied her for a moment, for a single moment that can turn anyone into a madman so that you may want to kill all that is there for you. Because passion has a price and I was born too timid to endure it.


MY NOWHERE…
ΤΟ ΠΟΥΘΕΝΑ ΜΟΥ..

I saw my entire life in one single moment of every voyage, of every long night. I enjoyed it in that moment, I hated it at another; I accept it in another. I welcomed it every time. In fear I faced it, carefully I treaded it, I wrestled it with stamina, it almost wasted me at one time. I got horrified by the people. I started hating them, I started feeling them, I touched them, I learned of myself in the process. Number of times I lost the battle other times I won it. I died and rose from the dead after the every day’s knife wound. At night I found refuge in my angels’ arms who of being here for you.
Who are you? Have you really existed?


MY LONELINESS…
Η ΜΟΝΑΞΙΑ ΜΟΥ…

Loneliness…Don’t they call you that? You are my mate after all. I hope you exist only for me. I hope you leave every body else alone. I hope you only exist for me. You grieve only me. I’ll monopolize you. I’ll claim you. I’ll do what you do. Never leave you from my eyes. I’ll trap you in my thoughts I’ll wait for you in every street corner. I’ll appear before you and I’ll wave to you ironically, I’ll fool you, I’ll play with you, I’ll try to make you see me as a burden. I’ll become your nightmare, your shadow, your death!
In the people’s emptiness loneliness creeps and fills their silence. With sighs it reminds them that they are alive.
‘Look, you hurt, you are not dead! Yearn and hope and feel’

BIOGRAPHICAL
ΒΙΟΓΡΑΦΙΚΟ

Konstantina Sandali’s first novel with the title “Angels released me” was published by Iolkos in 2010. She is responsible for the books column of the Electronic Newspaper Insterea.gr. She collaborates with the painter Katerina Kanelakou.

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